This One’s A Doozy

On one of our last days in Christchurch, we visited this immaculate rose garden…..

So hello here I am. I always forget that when I write I feel so much better. It’s not the first time and won’t be the last I neglect this little blog place I love. How do I get this far without letting my stuff out? I don’t know.

As we all know there’s a pandemic looming. We cut our vacation short. Can you imagine staying on vacation while people in the world were dying of a mysterious virus? This dense, sad energy of the world following you around like a dark cloud. It would’ve been stupid to stay gone.

I think we were supposed to be in Japan right now. But whatever. We landed at LAX in March and customs took 5 minutes to get through. It was creepy. We packed all our junk inside the Subaru and headed east until we got to Austin. We were ready to start a new life there except nothing was open and we couldn’t find a place to live. We were living in a hotel room for over a week with everything in trash bags when we decided to just go live in Arkansas for a month or so, to quarantine. We found a precious, charming little house right in the heart of South Fayetteville and well that’s what we’ve been doing for the past month. I’ve seen friends and family at a distance and it’s been really nice. Everyone’s lives are just on hold.

But hey, we all have our quarantine stories. And I’m just so lucky to be able to hole up on this lil piece of property. This house is adorable and the community came together to help us find this place SO quickly. We’ve been having fires, pullin weeds, getting in touch with music again and just being close to people we love. Fayetteville in April is so gorgeous. It’s warming up and when it rains I want to cry.

I’ve also been adjusting to life without medication. Stop here if you don’t want to read some very personal shit. I was running out and I didn’t want to try going to a Dr here. That’s a con of travel life. If you need medication, don’t go travel nursing with your boyfriend unless you know you will be covered. At some points over the past few years, I had a couple of freak-outs. You know what it’s like when you don’t have insurance and you have to find a way to get to the Dr or get the right coupons at the pharmacy. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. John’s always been super sweet and understanding about it. But it can be very frustrating. And I have only ever taken one medication at a time.

Anyway, I have used this time to try coming off this antidepressant. It just seemed more right than other times. I’m still not sure if I should be on or off. Or on something else. Which is an entire other game. Observations: I am still super obsessive. I am still scared of the dark, and I can FEEEEEEL music. It hurts in the best way. It feels like I’m a kid again hearing The Strokes for the first time. It’s hard to know what you’ve grown out of and what has been suppressed. Some days have been really terrible. Like, I can’t stop crying the entire day. It literally feels like someone has their hands wrapped around my brain and is squeezing it. I am also pretty short tempered. I’ve started to count my good days in a row. When I have a bad one, I start over. I think the most has been 4.

PLEASE EVERYONE try to start a meditation practice. I stay mad for SO much less time than I used to. It is so much easier now to cut that chatter and let go of why you’re really “mad”. It is also important to note that when the pendulum swings one way, it goes back the other way. John just pointed this out the other day and while it made sense, it also made me sad. So, lots of ups and downs for me. Lots of good and bad. But I’m just focusing on the music feeling part, and being thankful that I have a loving and supportive partner.

Just trying to stick to a routine is helping. You knew I was going to say it! Tea every day, pulling weeds, getting heart rate up, eating foods that make me feel good, giant chunks of meditation, practicing music (I never knew I would become a guitar player and now I have my own small person guitar and I love it so much), tidying up my little temporary home. I am so grateful to be in this place, with all the good and bad.

If anyone has any input on those specific feelings, or want to vent about how their brain hurts, or how they’re not sure what the fuck is happening inside their brain, I’d love to chat. I have only ever been diagnosed with severe depression. This is really embarrassing to share and I’ve always been super ashamed of all this. But, my personality is sharing. Part of meditation is addressing why you’re embarrassed and ashamed. And how you can think differently about that. I’m just trying to be so so nice to myself and if you feel alone, I don’t want you to feel alone.

We’re just all on pause and dealing with it in the best ways we can.