Another morning, another tea. I’m really into these “london fogs” lately. We have this lil milk frother that has come in really handy over the past couple of years. John makes real authentic matcha but I keep it simple. A lil oat milk, a tiny squeeze of agave and my plain earl grey tea becomes this light n’ fluffy morning delicacy.
Since this blog is mine, and for me, and whoever else wants to read it, I’m just going to talk this morning about how things are going in my world. I could say that a big part of this blog would be to address my road to eating disorder “recovery”. I don’t think I will ever fully recover but I will be ready to share more about that in detail maybe someday.
So many of us have eating disorder patterns and behaviors. Among many things, I think a big one is the patriarchy. Big companies making big money from us. Trickling down into society and telling us that we need to be small. Smaller, smaller, smaller. How small can you get before you disappear? Did you ever think that if you have to obsessively count and track everything you put in your body (performance training or competition is different) that maybe you aren’t supposed to be that size? But I also know how hard it is to accept the size you’re supposed to be when it’s marginalized. There’s only “one good body type” so we have to worry constantly about what we eat and drink and how we look. We can’t just like ourselves. People make money off this shit. And we suffer. I think it’s getting better, though. We just have to keep talking about it.
That’s just my personal opinion. I don’t have means of therapy at this moment, so I’m struggling. I don’t have a ton of structure right now, it’s the holidays, lots of friends inviting us out (not to say I’m not grateful for community), stress of seeing family. That’s a big one. It’s not really anyone’s fault in particular, but before I see my family, I’m always preparing for a pageant, bringing home some proof of discipline or that I’m not quite the fuck-up I used to be. It’s sad. I’m counting right now. On one edge of the sword, I do feel good. I’m not overeating, which has been a problem in the past. I’m paying attention. It’s annoying. But I feel ok. I haven’t fallen into any deeper bad behaviours that we’ll talk about another time. God. It’s such a delicate balance of what works for you, what makes you feel good, and deciding what is even worth it.
I have learned a few things though. I’ll just do one today. It was a big one for me. You don’t have to eat breakfast to kickstart your metabolism. It doesn’t work that way. When I was at Equinox, I would be so stressed about having to go to this job that was so hard. I would make sure I woke up super early in the morning to make myself this giant breakfast and I’m pretty sure it was a way of controlling my situation. I was so full all morning but then it was already lunch and I had to eat then too or else I’d get hangry and then I’d still be so full and a spiral of fullness but I was too afraid to not get to eat or I’d be in a bad mood around my co-workers and it wasn’t good. It was only a couple of months ago that I woke up in the morning and took a pause and asked myself if I was really hungry as soon as I woke up. I kinda wasn’t. I just listened to my body. A practice that has taken 30 years to even understand. But I am a slow, stubborn AF learner. But…..it works.
I know to some, this may seem silly. Easy, it’s just food. But to some with obsessive ED patterns and behaviors, it is important to take these little baby steps and know that you’re not alone.
Also…again – meditation (thank you therapy and thank you John) has also helped me a ton in taking pauses and listening to myself, my surroundings, what’s really going on everywhere. Your surroundings and situations are telling you things all day long. I highly recommend just taking some time to be quiet and tune in to that for 10 minutes a day. If you want some recommendations, email me, I can help.
Anyway there are 5 days until Christmas and I can’t wait to see my family and friends. I am so lucky to be privileged to have so many warm and cozy places to go when I get home. My mom’s cranberry nut bread, my brother’s guitar playing, John’s family, me always having a partner at my side to go through all the chaos with me!!! Always longed for that one…
I also want to say that there are many people who don’t. It’s not all about warm fuzzies for some. It can be painful. Those Christmas stories need to be expressed too-so that people are heard and that listeners can recognize how lucky they are. Maybe some of us can extend a helping hand. So if you have some extra room at your Christmas table, invite someone to stay cozy inside with you. If you have some winter clothes that you can give up, go donate a little extra. And if you’re not so fortunate I hope that you can find some warmth and a way to find some cheer this season. We have to lift each other up!